Booyaka
by sissyHIYAH
Summary: Selphie shares some quality time with Seifer. Like, for real. Totally. Bubbly and dark, a phallic joke, 'cause I'm immature like that, and a bit of icky blood. Oodles of mischief.


_Did you know they don't really blow shit up when they make movies?_

_I know! Totally! _

_I mean, if you've been given this kick-ass budget by some fancy studio, then the least you could do is blow up a gas station or something, right? Me too! But, oh no! Not these fuckers. They have 'pyrotechnic artists' and 'fire extinguishers'. Sure, they might light some fireworks and use mirrors or some stupid shit like that, but never really make anything go BOOM!_

_See, if it was me, I would take those millions of gil and make the…_

_biggest. _

_bomb._

_ever._

_Yeah, that would be totally awesome. There'd be these all these wicked explosions and ka-bams! Then a guy would jump out of a helicopter with a machete and a machine gun, then he'd yell something really bad-ass like "Yippie-ki-yay-booyaka-boom-POW!" Then he'd fall to the ground and he'd bleed all over the place, but he'd smile, see, because he's such a slick motherfucker, then he'd tip his hat at the camera and he'd punch the bad guy in the mouth and say something totally ninja like "Not today, buddy."_

_Oh yeah! Fucking A, right?! I mean, totally!_

_Yeah, me too. I'd like to see the script that they might write for my little movie. Let's see…what would be a good title? Hmm…oh! How about 'Trabia's Revenge' or 'Dawn of Tilmitt'? _

_Oh? You don't like those? Yeah, you're right. They don't have the right sort of…zingy-ringy-ding, do they? Okay, let me think for a sec…jeepers, thinking's kinda tough! Quisty was always the one to think of things like this, but I bet you're glad that ya got me instead of her, ain't ya? _

_Oh, you're so sweet! Thank you!_

_Yeah, she can be so BORING sometimes. Honestly! I mean, she struts around campus, swinging that whip and acting like some kinda prude, but I've seen the kind of clubs she visits, and believe me, they sure ain't for kiddies. _

_God, I know! I so agree with you! Who'd have thunk it, right? I mean, I always thought she had it bad for Squallie-poo too, but who would have ever imagined her running off with Xu? I mean, honestly! Xu has about the WORST taste in shoes that I have EVER seen! Have you ever seen those boots she wears? Quisty should know better! She is just so classy and cool, then she decides that she wants to shack up with Xu just because she can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue? Is that all she really wants in a relationship? I bet I could do it too…_

_Oh? Yeah, you're right! That doesn't have anything to do with movie titles at all! Gee, you're so smart! Okay…thinking, thinking…hmm… _

_Oh! I got it! _

_I SO got it this time! You're gonna love this one! How about 'Seifer Gets Fucked in the Ass'? Hmm? Whaddya think about that one, eh, buddy boy? Pretty good, isn't it? _

_You mean you don't like it? Gee, that kind of hurts my feelings. Hold on a sec while I tighten that strappy thingamajig….goddamn! I don't know how the hell Quisty uses these things every night. I mean, the buckles are pretty and all, but I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with the spikes and there are all of these shiny…._

_Would you stop squirming?! _

_Yeesh! I've not even started yet and you're already crying! God, to be such a big bad-ass, you sure are a wimpy pussy! _

_Okay, watch me now! Ready? Guess who I am…'Oh look at me! I have a gunblade and I blow up schools full of innocent kids! I told the courts that I was under mind control and they let me off the hook when I started weeping on the stand. Boo-hoo-hoo!'_

_Did ya guess? Oh come on now! It should be easy! No, stop it! I'm serious! Stop it. I don't like to see people when they're upset…_

_Stop crying. _

_Now. _

_Oh, come on! I mean, it's not like I even pulled that hard! Your arm is still in the socket, so stop your goddamned sobbing. It only popped a little bit. You'll be able to use it again…_

_I think…_

_God, we discussed this when the drugs wore off…_

_I told you that you were going to sit still and take your punishment like a fucking man and there would be none of this bitching and moaning. _

_Wait. Are you begging me now? _

_Look Seifer…ya gotta understand where I'm coming from. I appreciate it and all, but I ain't Quisty. She gets off on the whole 'begging and subjugation' thing, but I'm just not into that kinky shit. I thought about borrowing her whip, but I'd probably hit myself every time I tried to pop you, so I decided to try something else. _

_Hey! Do you think if I filmed this, I might be able to use it in my movie? _

_No? Hmm…yeah, you're probably right. Nobody will pay to see one broke-down ex-knight lying in his own blood and piss. _

_Now…if I stuck a bottle rocket up your ass, people might pay to see that! _

_Hmm…you're right again. That's already been done by those guys with the skateboards and gorilla costumes. Ha! That movie was funny as hell, wasn't it? Yeah, I really liked it when they…_

_EEW!!! That was so crunchy! _

_God, I didn't think that would bleed so much…sorry about that. I bet you liked that shirt too. Try dish detergent. That's what I use whenever I have a totally gnarly stain. It really works! On clothes, even! Isn't that the neatest thing ever? _

_Heh…who'd have guessed that cutting off just one frickin' finger would make a guy turn such a pasty shade of white? You kinda look like Zell when he found out that they put horse peckers in hot dogs. Yeah, he threw up too…who'd have ever guessed that you guys had so much in common? That's so cool! I mean, he was puking because he's been eating wang, and you're puking because I just lopped off your thumb! Small world, eh?_

_Aw, that's so cute! You're apologizing! _

_Really, Seifer. I'm touched. I mean, you're acting like a regular human being right now, instead of the nasty super-mean guy that decided to blow up my old home, but I just can't untie you right now. You might drip blood all over Quisty's carpet, and while I'm sure she's used to that, I told her that I would keep her place neat and tidy while she was away for the weekend. That means no thrashing around, Mr. Man! Seriously. If you splash blood on Quisty's curtains, she'll look at me all funny like she does when she gets mad, and then I might start to cry._

_Just like you._

_Just like a little fucking bitch._

_Aw…you're so cute! You look just like a little kid, especially when you start choking on your snot. Gosh. Do ya think that the kids ya blew up with that big ol' missile cried like you're doing right now? _

_No, you're probably right again. I bet they were dead before they even knew it. I mean, that was a BIG blast, right? Heh…it was kinda funny, in a way. See, I had never really thought about arms and legs and heads and stuff being blown off bodies, but ya might think it would upset ya, right? Maybe it was because they were frozen to the ground, but seeing all of those bits o' folks never did bother me. It was one of those surreal moments that only one-eared artists are supposed to have, that day we made it back to Trabia and I saw what you had done. There were bits of all my friends lying around everywhere and they were kind of sparkly and glittery where the ice had frozen them, but it didn't bother me! _

_Nope! _

_Not one bit! _

_Man, that was a crazy day. I saw somebody's guts hanging in a tree and I learned that you were my big brother all in the same day! And my big brother had killed all of my friends! What a coincidence. Right? _

_See, with anyone else, it might've been enough to throw 'em off their rocker, but not me! _

_Not me, because I'm Selphie Tilmitt! I'm the fucking happy bubbly one! But Quisty calls me effervescent…shh! I know it means the same thing as bubbly, but we'll let her use those big fancy words, won't we? It makes her feel good, and since she always feels so bad about herself, we'll let her live a little. _

_Just a little though, because I don't think I want to imagine the sorts of shenanigans that crazy broad would get up to if I let her go wild. Her and that whip? Are ya kiddin' me? I'd be bailing her ass outta jail every weekend! _

_Anyway, where was I…? _

_Oh yeah! I was asking you your opinion on movie titles, wasn't I? Hold on a sec…don't you pass out on me! I'm not finished with you yet!_

_Seifer! _

_Wake up!_

_You've not lost that much blood. I know better. I had the same training as you, so I know exactly how much blood ya gotta lose before ya drift away into…_

_Oh, there ya go! _

_Perk up! _

_Want some coffee?_

_We gotta long, long night ahead of us…_

_I've gotta think of a good title for my movie and you've gotta get what's coming to ya. _

_I have a list of activities planned that I'm sure you don't want to miss, so keep your hands in the cart and hold on for one hell of a ride. I'm your lovely hostess, Selphie Tilmitt and this is the first night in your redemption, bitch._

_You say you feel bad about killing all those folks?_

_Good._

_I want to hear all about it. Tell me all about it, Seifer. _

_I mean, I listened to my friends cry when they were burying their buddies, right? _

_Do you realize how hard the ground really is in Trabia? It freezes solid in winter. Like, totally solid. Like, for real. _

_Why didn't you destroy my world in spring? _

_We could have buried them faster._

_We could have totally buried them faster._

_Like, super fast._

_Totally._

_-----------------------------------------------_

Note: When I was still a bartender, the cherry stem trick earned me a _lot_ of tips from horny frat brothers. It's amazing how the simplest things impress the perpetually inebriated…and the hopelessly optimistic.

In an effort to become one with Selphie, I tried to channel her spirit in this fic. She seems like the type that would love Bruce Willis, Van Gogh, Burt Reynolds, and _Jackass. _Big booms, car chases, fireworks and bodily orifices…yep. That's how I imagine Selphie gets her kicks. She'd be fun as hell at a party.


End file.
